Here’s what I know about me:

1.) I’ve spent the better part, the vast majority, in fact, of my still relatively brief existence a slave to a more than likely biologically and most certainly developmentally flawed mind, one which has proven to be quite a nuisance to me, despite its undeniably convincing guise as my greatest asset.

2.) Plagued by boredom, I hope some days that I might be so lucky as to become normal, to by some means slow the ole noggin down a touch. Sure, that might mean I would some day awaken to nothing more than confusion and incoherent noise, in short, nothing more than the reflection of my former self…but that’s okay. I was never too fond of me anyway.

3.) I wander through the days with both reverence and disdain, nearly hatred for the faces I see, as convincing as my own. “Everything’s okay,” they seem to say. How though, I wonder, do they manage…to actually be okay? There are many things that with a bit of time I have managed to figure out. This, though, eludes me. Jealousy is a bit unbecoming, but I’m beyond caring for outward appearance or stigmas…clearly. I’m happy for them. I’m also incredibly sad for those like me, and make no mistake; I’m not so delusional as to believe I’m alone. I even admit that there’s a primal sector of the aforementioned noggin that would trade the intellectual aspect of consciousness with a member of the former group quite readily, though I’d hope they could more easily cope with the boredom, the lifeless moments than I.

4.) I’ve never been very good with feeling. It always seems to be too much or too little. Empathy falls to the latter, anger the former. Love manages to fall victim to both extremes. I can think only of one thing that I desire, and I fear it says more about me than I’ll ever care to dwell on. I crave the attention not of all, but of one…one who will accept me, love me…forever, without fail…one who I can love and give myself unto entirely…one who might be by my side indefinitely, to ease the pain of the boredom and the loneliness I feel, more so now than ever. To know this of myself and to have deluded myself into thinking I had it, only to lose it…well, it was one of the most defining moments of my life for more reasons than just a first heart break, and despite the understanding of myself that has since come from it, I find myself slipping slowly back into that loathsome state of despair.

It is not lost on me that there are people who concern themselves with me and my wellbeing. In fact, I might put myself in the category of people who are troubled beyond the understanding of those closest to whoever is in question. I can’t quite put my finger on all of the things that trouble me so, but in practice, and the minds of others, it hardly matters. What matters more so is that I’m incredibly prone to addiction, reliant on the opinions of others, any others, and almost completely unable to rely upon only myself. Granted, necessity brings out the best in people, but I’ve never been faced with such necessity aside from my occasional wanderings through the depths of chaos, that horrifying, revered place I reckon every lost soul visits at least once or twice when they’re forced to find themselves. I find myself in that place now, as I sit writing this. Let it not be lost on you that I am here. These are the words of a man on the brink of damnation or salvation, whichever I may find. I find an inkling of solace in at least being able to share some of these thoughts with whoever may find them, you included (I acknowledge that any English teacher/professor may have some less than positive thoughts on directly addressing the reader). I may even be so cocky as to hope that I may be able to provide as little as a second of a very precious feeling of community to those who feel as I feel in times like this. That second of comfort goes a long way, in my experience. It can quell the voice of unreason that persuades us to give up in times of desperation. It can be the difference between life and death. I don’t know whether I’m adept at finding those seconds of comfort or delusional enough to think I’ve found them. Regardless, I manage to stay afloat. I wish that everyone could manage the same.